your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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