Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
