I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Sorry about my life...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
