I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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