There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
