im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
