I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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