Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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