Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
