At least make sure they are 18
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.