My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.