So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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