I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
