I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I will be naked everywhere
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
When are your genitals available?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
