We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
