I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
