i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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