I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
