I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
