It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
a search helicopter?!
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
me + whiskey = a bad person
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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