true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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