im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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