I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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