he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
