Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
