maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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