I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
