can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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