I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
