Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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