They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
