i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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