I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just found a bag of teeth...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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