In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
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