i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
