I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
