I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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