Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
