the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
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