your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
