The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
