Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Randomize
