I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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