if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
