do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
