The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
