you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
