I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
