Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
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