Barsexuality is the new black.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
