Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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