shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
