New invention idea: vibrating tampons
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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