my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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