oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
