hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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